I’ve come to have to accept the fact that I can no longer focus on anything, especially all of my college classes, save for all but one. Is it possible that what I thought I should do with my life, is in fact completely different from I am actually supposed to do? Is that possible? Maybe it’s time for a change in direction. My only problem…where do I go from here…? I wouldn’t say that I’m tied down by any means, but I’m going to be a father shortly, so how far and wide can i really go, without taking myself out of this child’s life? Which is in no way and option. I feel like I’ve become horrendously lost in my own thoughts and dreams and with reality, that I have no will to push forward to try and decipher what’s best to do. But then, maybe I’m not supposed to choose at all, perhaps in time, the answer will just will itself upon me, but for now I’m all so confused in what to do. I just wish I knew which way to face.

I hope my answer comes soon…

These next few months are going to be very intresting…starting with the dilemma at hand, and ending with the dilemma at hand, sprinkling those things that also need addressed in between…this is going to be one hell of a journey…

I know we can make it through.

WE HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH

We will be okay. 

I Promise.

As much as i love winter (insert slight sarcasm) i really only LOVE (no sarcasm) winter when theres snow….its almost mid december and tomorrows high is like 50 degrees…seriously…need snow…i have a SERIOUS need for snow right now…and maybe my snowboard…and mountains….but snow at least would be a GREAT start

you worry me…a lot lately, and more and more everyday…you seem to get better when youre with me or around me, but…the second im gone youre down again…or more specifically, your parents or school or something just comes out of nowhere and bites you in the ass…even so, you’ve been depressed and sad a lot lately, and you dont know why, and it hurts me to see you like that, and i want to help you so badly…i want to hug you and hold you and tell you that everythings going to be just fine, because while it may not be now, or even soon, it will be…i love you, and i want you to be okay, i want you to be you…and not all down and sad and depressed and pissed at everyone and the world…i want you to be happy

For the past few years nights have been….intresting for me, i dont sleep well and because of that i have nights where im extremely uneasy and dont sleep…but the past…oh…week ive slept easily on 4 different occasions, and at times in between those, and i think a large part has to do with you, and how much you’ve put me at ease. and i thank you for that and i love you, and im sorry if i got a little too pushy last night, but our nights together are the best nights ive had in a long time.  thank you darling.

you very likely just got your girlfriend in a shitload of trouble, and possibly we’re the cause for her losing a friend. all because of a damn fight that never needed to happen that got way out of hand way too fast. so in order to try and fix it, or at least make it a little better, you decide to go over there..at 10 at night and knock on her front door to talk to her…yep, you probably got her in trouble, feel proud dumbass, you made a fight get even worse cuz you a dumbass then you went to try and sort shit out cuz your a complete idiot dumbass…nice job matt…feel way proud of yourself…

Everything about you. And sometimes i wonder if I don’t show it enough…or if you even know. I love your hair, especially when you just wake up; I love your eyes, crystal blue like the ocean, i want to swim in them forever; I love your lips, and how soft, sweet and loving they are; I love your body, and all of its curves and how much of a wonderland it is to me; I love your smile and i love seeing you happy, i love the way you talk to me, i love how you tell me all about your day, i love that you can be understanding when im totally off, i love how our hands fit together, i love it when you attatch me to you, i love being hugged by you, i love your kisses and they way they make my skin tingle, i love your touch and how it send electricity through me, i love how you can make me feel 1000x better by just a look, i love your nose…i dont know why i just always have, i love your imperfections, because i accept them and dont let them make me see you differently, i love your ears, and what happens to you when i play with them, I love your personality and how much of a goof you can be. i love everything about you, and these are only just examples, because theres that many more. I love you

I don’t know why I’d ever been so afraid, but I’m putting it aside, because it’s something I need to do, because I’m a man, so I give up being afraid of doing a lot of things, because I am a man, and its about time i acted liked one

I got to see you and talk to you and hold you in my arms today :3 seems odd, but its the truth, because i loved it.

..and I know that I am. And I’m really not sure what to do. I’m sick of being depressed, I’m sick of not knowing how I’m gonna act or how I’m feeling, I’m sick of my mind going and worrying about things I know that I shouldn’t be. I’m sick of myself, and my mood swings, I’m sick of not being stable all the time. Most of all, I’m sick of the way I act towards you at times. Sending you mixed signals, being too much, or pushing you away, I’m sick of the fact that I’ve done that to you, and I’m sick of the fact that I’ve hurt you, and I’m sick of the fact that I’ve done and said things to you that I haven’t meant, because I haven’t totally been me. I’m sick of the fact that I’ve been so needy at times I’ve pushed you away. I’m sick of the way I’ve been and the way I’ve acted, and for that, I throughly admit that I need help. I Love You. I Love You more each and everyday, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for seeming needy Saturday and Sunday, I was needy, and I just wanted to talk to you, and I sometimes have a hard time remembering that you get along with your grandparents well, and you hardly get to see them, and I need to give you time with them, without bothering you. So, I’m sorry for that too. I Love You, and I’m trying to get better, and I’m trying to be okay.